Want to find me.. I will be at the bar with a glass in my hand, but not eating the nuts... bar nuts are sort of scary.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

What is that?!?!

Age is not for the weak of heart.

Perhaps it has something to do with the Winter, that appears to have taken a Narnia pill, and become endless.

Standing in Oh-So-Flattering fluorescent light of our bathroom this morning, I took  stocktake. I was in shock at how many parts of me need replacing or at least a little bodywork.  Seems like a minute ago I was 30 & sexy (oh yes I was), now I am starring down the barrel of a full body makeover that would make Cher cry.

Let’s start at the top:

  • Dandruff – Huh?  I even dreamt about it,  dreamt that someone told me I had dandruff and kept brushing it off the shoulders of my black sweater.
  • Age spots.  I did try to kid my self that it was just a large freckle (freckles are cute, right?) But no, that thing is no freckle.  It is matched only by the ONE black hair that keeps sprouting from my chin.  Should I ever end up in a coma, I want one of you to make it your business to get thee to the hospital with a pair of tweezers.  No, I am not joking.
  • Turkey Chin.  There was some guy in Ally McBeal that found a wobbly chin erotic… he was off his meds.
  • ‘The Girls.’  Two children, breast-feeding… and suddenly they are heading south for the winter… but not coming back.
  • I don’t even want to know what that weird spot is on my right thigh.
  • Saggy knees.  A family of hedghogs could make their winter home in the folds of skin on my knees.  I have been tempted to do a little self-surgery… I could clip that skin together with a clothes peg…and for seven seconds ..Instant SJP Knees.. and then I start screaming from the pain.
  • The feet.  Not pretty.  You know it is bad when you start eyeing off the microplane grater in your kitchen drawer…

There is no hope.  But none of that matters anyway.  Because I have recently discovered that I am invisible.  Yes, I am THAT woman.  I could walk around with my knickers on my head and I am almost certain that nobody would notice.

If I hear one more reference to MILF or Cougar, I am likely to go nuts.  Who the hell comes up with this crap… Are we never to be given the chance to age without being pulled and shoved and starved?  Susan Sarandon recently started her ‘mid-life crisis’ at 63.  Seen snogging playing with a much younger man.  What would be the point?  Didn’t we just spend the last 20 years telling men how stupid they look dating girls half their age? 

How do you think they say goodnight?

“Good night Susan, you are looking HOT!”

“Good night Toy Boy, have you brushed your teeth and put in your retainer?”

Good Night.


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