Want to find me.. I will be at the bar with a glass in my hand, but not eating the nuts... bar nuts are sort of scary.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Little green balls of horror

I found myself sitting at the lunch table of my future in-laws, not understanding a word that was being said and watching with growing distress as an enormous bowl of Brussels sprouts was placed directly in front of my plate.  Oh No!  This could no be happening. But sure enough, my smiling mother in law picked up the overflowing bowl and offered it to me.  There was no escape…


As a child, there were many things that could tip me over the edge, but there was only one that would follow me through to adulthood.

Raised as one of three daughters, by a widowed father, life looked nothing like the Brady Bunch from where I sat.  There was little else to do other than pick up a broom and learn to keep house from an early age. 

Cooking would come later.  Until I was tall enough to be able to see into a pot on the stove, this crucial part of life was left to my father.  He had a few specialties, one of them was Brussels sprouts, cooked until they were dead, grey and revolting.

Meals were eaten at the table.  Plates were cleaned before leaving the table, and nights when Brussels sprouts featured, were small lessons in hell.


We did eventually learn how to outfox the perpetrator of our torture.  By sitting long enough, pushing the nasty little critters around our plates, we could ensure that eventually our father would give up in disgust, push back his chair and declare us an ungrateful pack of brats…then troop off to watch the evening news.  This was our chance.  By packing our cheeks full of the offending vegetable, we could make a break for the bathroom…one after the other…and spit the sludge into the toilet.  It is a wonder that we didn’t manage to block it, considering how often this act occurred.  And so it was that I declared my ever lasting loathing for Brussels sprouts and a promise that I would never eat them again.


I should have been suspicious after she vigorously offered it at least five times.  I at least, should have twigged when I noticed that Mr Dear Husband would not make eye contact.  The little beasts seemed to glow with kryptonite like potency… urging me to “eat up, eat up”.  I chopped those little beggars into a million pieces.  I hid them in my napkin, in my pocket, under a lettuce leaf… anywhere other than my mouth. Still, no eye contact from Mr Future Dear Husband.

Back in our room, I gagged and coughed and made all manner of fuss.  “Why would she do that!” I cried.  What could have possessed the woman to force feed me the one food on earth that I could not stomach?

“Well….”  and he started scratching the back of his head, the tips of his ears warm to a ruby red and he is clearing his throat.

“Perhaps because I told her that Brussels sprouts are your favourite food…” He steps back a couple of paces and brings his hands up to protect his head. 

“I’m sorry, it was just meant to be a joke. I thought it would be funny.”

I let him live.  But believe me when I tell you that his little joke would cost him dearly across the next 20 years of his life.


Kerri said...

Oh my WORD...was a great story! I know it wasn't funny then, but it's funny now! I detest brussel sprouts! Thankfully, so did my father, so we never had to eat them. My hubby loves them though. I forbid him to cook them in my house. Stinky little boogers. YUCK!
Stopping by from SITS.

Connie said...

Brussel sprouts are definitely a love OR hate food. There is no middle ground. I like them - but not cooked until they are grey and slimey - blech! Oh... and never, EVER, put them in the microwave. I nuked a plate of leftovers one day that had 4-5 whole sprouts on it and they EXPLODED. (I've since learned they can be nuked if cut in half or otherwise open, but I prefer to just steam them on the stove).
So, did you get him back?

Peter H said...

Even the dog, who eats just about everything including lettuce, DOES NOT EAT BRUSSELS SPROUTS.

Surely that is confirmation they are not a food item for humans.

Definitely NOT on my menu EVER......along with turnip and parsnip. the latter 2 are not even good quality cattle tucker.

It seems to be one item that always gets people fired up over foods!

Peter H said...

PS.......Loved the story though.

cat said...

Over from SITS, and my , whata story. I also hate those buggers, hate them. It is in fact the only veggy in the world that I do not eat. But lucky me - the hubby also hates them.

♥ Katinka said...

Stopping by from SITS and wishing you a Happy Wendesday!!!! :)

hillstoph said...

It must be a German mother in law thing to force feed their daughter in law's. Mine must offer me the same thing at the dinner table at least five times before she gives up. I have learned to say no after trying to stuff myself just not to seem rude.
Live and learn!
Sounds like your husband has a good sense of humor:)

Lynda said...

Kerri: Ha ha ha .. stinky little boogers... Welcome! thanks for stopping by.

Connie: Oh my god! exploding brussels sprouts.. now that would just do my head in.

Peter H: See! I knew it.. not a food fit for even dog consumption. And thanks :)

Cat: Hi Cat.. welcome. Yep.. they sure are nasty.

Katinka: Hellooo.. nice to see you, pull up a chair.. should I put the kettle on?

Hillstoph: Yes.. the stories I could tell about MIL's... but the German kind are a breed all of their own.

Christi said...

That is so freaking funny, I mean other than the agony you went through of course. I can believe that your future hubby did that. Mine's the same way, anything for a good laugh. :0) Love takes all kinds. I hope now your mom in law is aware that these little martian brains aren't on your wish list.

Christi said...

Ps... Hi from the SITS who sent me here :0)

Sonya said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog..and yep I can relate to the cookie thing aswell. I've eaten some pretty awful foods from both germany and the netherlands but would never tell the person who gave it to me that it was awful However..they have no issues what so ever telling me they don't like something.
I noticed Germans refuse to eat finger foods like a veggie platter with dip? they freak out. Dutch people wont eat my apple pie because it doesnt have raisins in it and american food is to sweet..even though they've never eaten it. Oh well..wat can u do? LOL

Brussel sprouts are evil and I've never made them..but they love them in the netherlands aswell.


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