Want to find me.. I will be at the bar with a glass in my hand, but not eating the nuts... bar nuts are sort of scary.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Big Mistake

It doesn’t happen often.  Mr Dear Husband will tell you I never make mistakes.  It is his #1 rule to surviving in this marriage.  I am always right, he is wrong.  But yesterday, I will admit, my halo slipped a little and I did something that completely demoralised me.  I spent two hours reading the Martha Stewart website.

What was I thinking!  I know, right… it’s not like she is perfect, we all know that now.  Martha went to prison, not even I have done that, although I will admit to a few close calls…one particular incident at an airport in India, resulted in Mr Dear Husband uttering the words, “Please sit down and be quiet, or you are going to end up some butch axe murderer woman's cell mate, where she will refer to you as her Sugarpie".” You wouldn’t have recognised me, I was as quiet as a mouse.

Martha, Martha, Martha, what are you doing to me.  I looked to you for some solace.  My house is in that 87% stage of unpacked boxes and renovation and I have just plain run out of steam.  I needed inspiration.  What did you give me?  A big damn dose of inferiority syndrome.

Nobody can be that perfect.  The woman has a ‘craft’ loft (not room, but loft).  Neatly divided up into separate areas, with all the necessary equipment, stored, labelled and ready to go.  It doesn’t work like that here.  I am still looking for the sticky tape from before Christmas, thus resulting in all my Christmas parcels being tied up with kitchen string – I told them it was artistic and a reflection on the economic climate – nobody bought it.

This morning I was standing in the cold and nasty room of our cellar that is The Laundry.  I kept seeing the bright, shiny laundry room that Martha has.  With its neatly labelled baskets, bottles and boxes.  A special padded table for ironing, wire baskets on wheels for sorting (with padding around the edge so as not to bump and scrape the furniture), industrial lighting and recycling bins with wheels.  Hey, Martha’s laundry is nicer than my bedroom… that can’t be right.

Martha's Basement 2 IMG_7107 So here you see Martha’s Cellar – then LuLu’s Cellar

Martha's Basement IMG_7108 And again Martha – LuLu.  My laundry looks like the kind of place that certain Austrian’s like to keep their ‘family’ for 24 years.

But here is the clincher.  This is the point where I broke down and started sobbing at the impossible goal that Martha has set me.  In her Guest Bathroom, sat two small, dark green towels.  Each embroidered in gold with the words, MAKE UP. 

“Martha likes to leave these special towels for the guests so they can remove their make up without fear of marking up the other towels…”

Please kill me now.


Mumma Lisa said...

Martha Martha Martha!! How on earth can you compare yourself to her! At least you have a life! I have, I admit watched Martha on occasion and I have to say she irritates the hell out of me. God forbid if a guest on her show does anything better than her or knows more about a certain something than she does - we call her "a one upper". She knows, has been, is doing one up more than the other person - what a boring person she must be!

christina said...

LOL. I like your cellar (although I call it a basement) MUCH better - looks 1000 more organized than mine (especially since all the Christmas stuff I had stored in the laundry room came crashing down on my head the other day). And don't forget that Martha has hundreds of minions working for her, including those who shove all the junk aside to take pictures. I love her, but she is so fakey-fake sometimes.

Tina said...

I often fall for that too feeling like I should be able to do everything perfect like that....but like they said above she has so many people working for her that you don't hear about...and truthfully I think she stinks as a host!

Lydia said...

Ah Martha, a love/hate relationship. Showing us the light, only to take a nine iron to the backs of our knees when we least expect it! Don't worry, I'm not even to that point and I'm moving again in 6 months!

swenglishexpat said...

Naaah, what does Martha know....?

Mama B said...

Oh Martha! You have to remind yourself that she has infinite amounts of money and help. Remember she doesn't use that laundry room her maid does. She probably couldn't tell you where the soap was!

really, if I had her money my house would look that great too and I would pay someone to keep it that way!

Stopping by from SITS!

oreneta said...

She does have a staff.........

word, raterali...a car race for rodents of a certain size......

Peter H said...

DO NOT GO TO THAT false, so depressing that someone could be that pompous......and look where her ideas / concepts/ morals led her.

So defined style 'gurus" should be exterminated, like a cockroach!

Unattainable falseness devoid of reality. Obviously missing children [ of any age almost],other family, difficult weather, a few soggy or dirty football jumpers or sweaty runners to deal with, and a sense of comfortable lounging in any room, or being interuppted in the middle of a task - leaving urgently with opened anything left behind.

And anyway........would one really want to be so sterile? Houses are for LIVING IN, not for photo opportunities.

yes.....a bit vehement; comparisons are not productive. Would you have time for a blog or observing the flowers if you were spending all your energy on cleaning or housekeeping? Priorities, priorities, priorities!

Alissa said...

I think if I were Martha Stewart's guest (and that's not likely to happen any time soon) I would deliberately mark up a non-make-up towel with my make-up just because. I'm sure Martha doesn't actually do her own laundry, making her pristine laundry room really ridiculous. Anyway, I know a few different people that worked for Martha Stewart, and she is a completely unbearable person.

Sue xx said...

what I leave your blog for a year and you move to Germany .... I have finally pulled my finger out and worked out how to get my password for blogger so I can leave comments again.
Ha Martha, her name she be the same as google, as in when someone finds some disease and you say to them "DO NOT GOOGLE" when looking for inspiration we should say "DO NOT MARTHA"!!
Okay off to read a year or so of your blog and find out why you left the room with a view :)

Lynda said...

Mama Lisa: I would have to hope that I irritate you less than Martha ;) And yes.. I believe I have seen her do the one-upper thing.. good point.

Christina: Oh dear, your poor head. I think my 'basement' looks better in the photo than it really is.. and optical illusion.

Tina: Thanks for the visit, and the vote of confidence.

Lydia: Excellent analogy..

SwenEng: Exactly!!

Mama B: Hellooo... and welcome. Note to self... make a squillion dollars so I can live like Martha.

Oreneta: raterali...HA HA HA... that is the best so far. excellent.

Peter H: "So defined style 'gurus" should be exterminated, like a cockroach!" Pete... stop mincing your words.. say it like it is for once! LOL

Alissa: Hello and welcome.. you and I could be good mates.. that is exactly what I thought when I saw those towels..hate being told what to do.

Sue: Hellllooo stranger... and yes, that should be law DO NOT MARTHA.

Connie said...

Martha is NOT real. She's not even a 'good' imaginary friend, like Santa Claus. You know those realistic looking displays in stores for bedding? The sheets, blankets, pillows, shams, even curtains are nicely set up as if they were in your own home, but the 'bed' is actually a 3ft long hard platform that you could never sleep on, and there is no window behind the pretty sheers. It's all empty promises - and that's what I equate that to Martha. (Hope that helps - if not, I'll get you a photo of my laundry, that would cheer you up!)

Veronica said...

Ditto Connie; I agree wholeheartedly.
Lulu - there was a heavy storm last night and there was a frog doing feeble breastroke in the pool this morning, who needed rescuing; I just didn't realize who it was at the time ... always renowned for subtlety ...

vagabondblogger said...

I love Martha Stewart, but I also accept the fact that she is OCD and a bitch! I don't even try to meet / keep up with her expectations. My daughter and I just sit and laugh. She's a wackadoodle. Please, for the sake of your readers, stay sane.

Lynda said...

LOL Connie.. Martha is not Santa Claus.. you got that right! beautiful analogy.

Roni.. Poor little frog.. hope you gave him a kiss.

VB: Your comment gave me an indescrible shiver of pleasure, thank you. To imagine "my readers"...I never really think about it like that. But I like it.

J.G. said...

Ugh. Martha is all for show and nobody likes her. Plus I don't believe for a minute she does ANY of that stuff herself. She has minions.

You, on the other hand, are a real person and have loads of friends and a rich and varied life. Martha should be envying you!

Connie said...

JG - Minions! Oh, that's the perfect word! I've been thinking of hiring a part-time maid, but now, no.. I'll be looking for a part-time minion... mwaa ha ha! (guess 'good sense of humor' will have to be part of her job description).

insteadi said...

What are those things that the chairs are stacked on in her basement? Anally retentive... ooh, that was a shiver just running down my spine.


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